HomeAm I The Narcissist? A Look At Inverted Narcissism
Am I The Narcissist? A Look At Inverted Narcissism

Am I The Narcissist? A Look At Inverted Narcissism

In my work with victims of narcissistic abuse I am more typically than not requested the same query: "how to deal with a narcissist do I know I'm not the Narcissist?"

When I asked my very own therapist this query so a few years ago she answered "In the event you have been the narcissist you wouldn't be asking that question, because narcissist's won't see that the problem is with them." They are too busy projecting the issues onto these round them.

Nevertheless our own narcissism is a matter worth exploring in more detail. For instance: Why can we ask that query to begin with. What is it that makes us really feel we're the narcissist?

In talking to a shopper at the moment I had a big realization. She was telling me how she was at all times upset in her earlier boyfriends or partners. They just did not measure up to her expectations. As we dug a bit of deeper she explained how she has wavered between feelings of superiority and emotions of inferiority. She has constructed her own illusion or idea of who she was which in her personal reality placed herself upon a pedestal. So in a way she was doing the identical thing a narcissistic personality would do. She sheltered herself from her emotions of inferiority by putting herself upon a pedestal. That pedestal created a false confidence.

So when the narcissistic personality comes into her life her false confidence is initially mirrored by the narcissist who displays to her the image worthy of the pedestal she has placed herself upon. However as the relationship progresses her emotions of inferiority are triggered as he projects his personal inferiority upon her. Now she is experiencing the sensation of getting her mate dissatisfied in her inadequacy just as she has been disenchanted in past partners for their inadequacy.

What's the difference than between the narcissistic partner and the one who feels abused? Compassion and Empathy! The shopper I used to be talking to immediately, identified with her partners feelings of superiority and likewise with his emotions of inadequacy. She had empathy for him. She did not need to see him hurt because she knows how painful it's to expertise those same sorts of feelings. A pathological narcissist could give a rip about his companions damage feelings. He's only concerned with himself and his personal needs.

The inverted narcissist, as Sam Vaknin calls it, is the perfect match for the pathological narcissist. Because when their false selves meet, the phantasm of who they imagine themselves to be is strengthened to some extent the place it could feel like Cinderella assembly her prince who takes her out of her hell gap, the place she is made to wear rags and sweep ashes all day. Instantly she is swept off her ft, she fits the glass slipper perfectly, and is carried off to the Castle adorned with lovely robes and riches match for the queen she is.

Perhaps in this fairy story, Cinderella all the time fantasized herself to be a queen, but she lived the reality of being an ash maiden. She was ridiculed and condemned by these around her and made to feel unworthy of the great things in life. But she would show them someday. She would show them she was really a queen.

For those of us who come from painful childhoods where we had been one way or the other made to feel inferior, we can easily create fantasy worlds where we escape into never never land. We imagine ourselves as fairy princesses and that imagine our prince riding up on a white horse and sweeping us off our toes, carrying us from our humble reality to a fantastic castle where we're treated as a queen should be treated.

In the psychic realm the psychosis of the pathological narcissist is a good match for the fantasy world of the inverted narcissist. Because on the earth of make believe a fantastic fantasy is created the place the King and the Queen of never never land get collectively and trip off into the sunset. It is such a wonderful love story, in the beginning.

However all glass slippers eventually break and so do the glass houses the "ideally suited" couple reside in. There love is not constructed on anything real, but fairly an phantasm of perfection created by both parties. She is saying "be my prince" and he's saying "be my queen." But once they settle into the Castle the true selves start to emerge. The feelings of inferiority begin to surface. Both companions don't really wish to be came upon, less they danger losing their status upon that pedestal. "What if she finds out I am really a frog?" He may think. And she would possibly wonder "what if he is aware of the reality of me, that I'm only an ash sweeper?"



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